A Toddler Got Hit on My Watch. Here’s what I did.

Fostering emotional intelligence as a gentle approach to discipline

Letting Kids Learn to Resolve Conflict on their Own

I read in a Montessori teacher training manual that we should let kids resolve conflict themselves and only interfere when someone is going to get hurt, and this is something I’ve tried to practice in our Curious Cubs sessions and in all of my daughter’s social interactions. The least I do is act as an observer and try to understand the children’s behaviours and what is going on in their little heads and bodies to explain their behaviours. At the most I’ll give suggestions for them, or remind them that, “If you don’t like something, you can say NO,” but never force them to do anything. Of course, when someone is clearly upset or about to get hurt, that’s when it’s necessary to intervene, separate, and console.

Specifically in our Curious Cubs sessions, we’ve seen the children come into conflict when they want to play with the same tool or toy, or are in each other’s space or way. There have been 3 typical responses to this: (1) one toddler is more assertive and the other one moves on, (2) they share, (3) one looks to an adult for help. Here are some examples to illustrate what I mean:

(1) One toddler is more assertive and the other one moves on:

• P is 24 months old and A is 12 months old. They both wanted to play with the bubble wand and grabbed it at the same time. Since P was quite assertive and A is much younger, A let go of the wand and instead just watched as P played with the bubble wand.

• M is 17 months old and loves to play with the tambourine and glockenspiel. P tried to take the glockenspiel and M made a sound indicating that he wasn’t done playing with it yet. They pulled at it for a few seconds before P moved on to play with some puzzles instead, leaving M to happily continue making music.

(2) They share:

• A and M both wanted to play with coloured pencils and a scratch pad. A started to scribble on it and M pulled it to his side of the table. A made a sound indicating she wasn’t ready to give it up yet and pulled it back to her side of the table and started to scribble. M pulled the scratch pad to his side of the table, but less strongly so it actually ended up in the middle, and started to scribble. A realised she can reach it from her side and starts to scribble as well. They are both fine with this and continue to play with it together.

(3) One looks to an adult for help:

• During story time, I was reading a lift the flap book. P wanted to lift the flaps, so I would reach the book out to her to open them on each page. E, who is 12 months old, squealed and grabbed the book as well. There was a moment of pulling back and forth, and an exchange of sounds that indicated they were both unwilling to let go. P looked at me with a “please help” look, so I suggested to them that they could both lift the flaps if they took turns. P, who is able to talk already, would then proceed to say “It’s P’s turn” or “It’s E’s turn” and they both got to enjoy the book together.

Sometimes, Kids Hit Kids

Most of the time, the kids can resolve their conflict easily and there is no need to intervene at all. However, we did have one incident when one toddler was tired and dysregulated, and hit another with a small wooden hammer. The two had been in conflict several times that day over the same toys, and the hammer to the head happened so suddenly that there was no time for an adult to intervene. What I saw was two kids standing close to each other, not saying anything, and then all of a sudden one of them raises a hammer and not gently yet also not forcefully hits the other. The other starts to cry, and I quickly rush in between them, offering the crying child a hug and explaining to the other one that the former is crying because hitting them on the head was painful, and we don’t hit people because it hurts them. The child with the hammer looked empathetic and sad as well, and walked away to find their mother for emotional regulation. I hugged the hurt child until they calmed down and once calm, we talked about their feelings using emotions cards and then moved on to play. The other child is not yet able to talk, but seemed remorseful and has been very gentle with everyone since then.

So what do we make of this situation?

No Such Thing as a “Bad” Kid

First of all, we need to understand that young toddlers are still learning how things work, including their own bodies, and how they play a role in the world and relate to other people and things. They will seek out cause and effect situations and push limits to see what happens when they do this or that. And even when a kid knows that they have to be “gentle” when touching other people or things, the part of their brain that is able to control emotions and impulses is not fully developed until age 3 and even after that, they still need help learning to regulate their emotions. It’s often difficult for some adults; what more a little toddler who doesn’t even talk yet?

That doesn’t mean that we “make excuses” for hurtful behaviour. But we have to constantly remind ourselves to judge the actions, not the child. This is a hurtful, “bad” behaviour, but they are not a hurtful, “bad” child. This child had been fighting over tools and toys with another child for about an hour, and this is not a good feeling. This child was emotionally dysregulated and was not feeling happy. This child was tired, ready for a nap. This child was running out of the energy required to stop themselves from acting erratically. This child might have been angry at the other child. And that’s okay. We correct the behaviour, not the feelings. “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit people.”

No Forced Apologies

You’ll notice in my story that there was no apology. The child with the hammer doesn’t know how to speak yet, and we separated the children so there was also no opportunity for an apologetic hug that day. But since that day both children have been very gentle with each other, played together, and seem to really get along. What’s important is that we could tell that the child was sorry, even though no words were exchanged. There was a look of sadness in their eyes when the hurt child cried, and this child has since shown many behaviours that indicated empathy and compassion. If we had forced them to say “sorry” or give the other child a hug when they were both in a heightened emotional state, do you think that would have been better?

An insincere apology does not teach empathy. It teaches them that performative behaviour, even when they don’t mean it, can fix the problem. We can teach and model how to behave when we feel remorseful, but we should not force them to “pretend” to be remorseful. Explaining the other child’s point of view and the consequences of hurtful actions is one way to help build empathy and compassion. Then we model “good” behaviour like when I offered the hurt child a hug, asked her if she was hurt physically, how she was feeling, and then offering to play with her. Then we trust that the other child is seeing this and learning this, and will eventually find his or her own way to rebuild their relationship in time. In this case, it worked, and we’re seeing really wonderful relationships building in the learning group.

Once Calm, Use it as a Learning Opportunity

For the child who hit another child, this can become a learning opportunity. First, we can teach them to redirect their physical impulses and needs. For example, that it’s not okay to hit people, but it is okay to hit drums, or the floor, or the couch. Then we provide these outlets for them so they can let out the need to hit, especially when we know they are dysregulated. Toddlers between age 1 and 3 also often go through a biting phase. Sometimes it’s because they are teething, other times it’s to learn cause and effect and see what happens when they bite someone else, and other times they just feel the need to sink their teeth into something. When this moment comes, we need to tell them it’s not okay to bite people, and instead offer them other things that are safe to bite. We can teach the children to let us know when they feel a need to hit or bite, either through sign language or speech, so that we can help them find a safe way to meet their physical needs.

Second, we can teach them emotional regulation. Children are not able to listen and learn when their emotions are heightened, but when they are in a good mood, we can teach them tricks and tools to use for emotional regulation. For example, we sometimes practice deep breathing. P and E particularly enjoy practicing this when they are in a good mood, and hopefully they can gradually learn to apply it when they are upset as well. It’s important for us to model this for them as well when we are feeling stressed or frustrated.

Since it’s very difficult for children to control their impulses and emotions at this age, the two main things we can do to help them are (1) teaching them to communicate their needs so we can help them, and (2) modelling “good” behaviour for them. The phrase “do as I say, not as I do” is worthless. Whether we like it or not, our children are watching our every move and learning how to be people based on what we say and do.

In conclusion…

As we navigate the unpredictable terrain of toddler conflicts, let's remember: there's no such thing as a "bad" kid, only behaviours that need correction. Empathy, understanding, and modelling positive responses become our tools. In the absence of forced apologies, we create space for genuine remorse and lasting connections. In the end, it's not just about resolving conflicts but nurturing the essential qualities that will shape them into kind-hearted human beings.